I just dont understand it. I really dont. The fact is, I miss her. Just when I think I'm over her this feeling comes back. I dunno, maybe this is just a phase. After that dream I had, and what I did to her in it, I hope this is just a phase. That shit really freaked me out. It still does. I can still see her face...

My dreams this summer have been fucked up. Moreso than usual. I think this is the first time I've ever talked about my dreams, but I figure I should just get it out there since I've been thinking about these particular three ever since I had them. The first is a dream that I cant remember what it was about, or who was in it, all I can remember about it is that everything was yellow. I need to find out what the color yellow signifies in a dream. Need to talk to Cat about that I guess... anyway. This second dream is like an ongoing one. There's this girl in them and she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... only I've never seen her before. I dont know her name or anything, and I've never seen her before in real life. I have no idea how my mind managed to create her, and to top it off she's a blonde. My dream girl is a blonde? I've always wanted a brunette though... lol. It's crazy though 'cause she just shows up in my dreams, and it's been happening regularly since about June. Maybe a little earlier. The third dream... *sigh* I kill Amanda. It's up close and personal too, I stab her to death, and I can still remember her face and how I was feeling. I remember trying to calm her down and she's looking at me with pleading eyes... and the worst part about it was that I was scared shitless, but only because I was trying to figure out what to do with the body afterwards. You know, so I wouldnt get caught by the police. I wasnt thinking about "hey, you just killed Amanda!" I wasnt thinking anything about her, it was just selfishness inside me. I had it a few nights before the last time I saw her. What did that dream mean? Does it mean she's dead to me? Regardless of what I started saying at the begining of this post about missing her, I do feel free. My heart still longs for her, but it longs for love and that's not what she had to offer, and that's up to her... When I get any bit of time to just sit there and think to myself it's always of her, but when I get past all the feelings of missing her, I do feel free. Like, now I can just worry about myself and I dont have to worry about taking care of anyone but myself. I havent been able to feel that in years. I do miss her though, and I refuse to believe that dream meant that she's dead to me. I was telling CJ the other day that I'm a fucking idiot because I know that if she were talk walk into my room and tell me she loves me, even now, I would believe her. Even though in my heart I would know it wasnt true. CJ knows this situation all too well. I never thought I'd be in the shit with him though. Maybe I should just move away after college and leave all of this behind me. Start over...

[ Song ] .:Mr. Mister - Broken Wings:.