Well, the summer is almost over, and I cant wait to get back to school. It started out ok, but I guess... I dunno, just didnt pan out the way I had hoped. The good news is, I'm over Amanda. It took a while, but I've finally just gotten tired of her shit, ya know? It started way back a few months when we were fooling around and she just blurted out "do you still love me" which killed the mood, 'cause I know she doesnt give a damn about me, and never has. It was then that I realised why she keeps me around. I felt it again when I went to carrowinds with her and her family. I fucking hated it... I mean, I had fun on the rides and shit, but I felt like I didnt belong, and I knew I didnt. The last night that I spent with them on that trip I didnt get a bit of sleep. I laid there all night thinking about all this, all that's come and gone. I dont even know if I can even get it all down in here. There's just so much that I feel.

Another point that I felt I was getting over her was when Andy was over at my house hanging out and we were just talking, 'cause he couldnt stay very long, but he was telling me to just move on. I remember him asking me "You can do better, right?" and without thinking I just said "oh yeah" and I mean it wasnt some macho bullshit or anything, it's the truth. The other day I was out with CJ and he was laying it on me about the whole Karlyn thing... lol and he mentioned to me that she had said a while back she didnt think the relationship would work out because "Amanda's an idiot... and Adam well... isnt." I dunno why I got so broken up over what happened. I know it was because I loved her, but maybe I was broken up because of all the time I had put into the relationship. All the money... Even afterwards when she and I would go out I would still pay. I havent had a job in a while, but I would still pay. I was always there when she needed me, but I've never felt that in return from her. Not ever. Back when she and I were together there were nights when I'd be up... my heart broken just as it was in February, but not because we split up, but because I just wanted to feel special, I just wanted to feel loved. I wanted to belong, and I really dont think that was too much to ask. All the other relationshiops that I've been in... I come out of them with something gained. This one though... I dont feel like I came out of it any better off than when I went in. Shit, I didnt even go into it planning on staying. It was a spur of the moment thing, and I took an opportunity as it presented itself. It's my own damn fault I fell in love along the way. That love, I have a feeling, was blinded even further by my need to be loved. Just like I was saying about wanting to belong. It's like I cant see the forest for the trees. When I needed friends and family, they've always been there for me. I dunno, some psychologist would probably tell me that it was because my parents never told me they loved me when I was a kid. Maybe that's the case, I dunno. Anyway, back to what I was saying. I havent talked to her in like a week... and last time I talked to her was the only time for a week or so then too. Last time I was at her house I wanted to just fucking hit her. All the pinching, and scratching, and picking, and picking, and picking... God... why did I put up with that for so long? I finally just had enough, so I left. I didn't want to talk to her anymore after that, and even now... I still dont want to talk to her until she has something more to offer than being so god damned annoying. My sister and I were talking about that the other day. Everybody around me has been so tolerant it seems, but... was she really that bad? I really didnt see it. I put up with all of that... I guess it's cause I'm good with kids or something, or maybe because I get this tolerance from my dad, and I was just zoned out for the past two years, I dunno. Why did I get myself into this mess? Back when I first was getting to know Amanda... well, actually it was like the 2nd night I was spending at CJ's house, she had said something to me ( I cant remember what it was ) but I called Amanda by some other name. I cant remember what I said, just some random bitch's name, but the point is- I really fucked up. I should have just cooled out after Cathy and I broke up, and just had some time to myself to regroup. I wasnt ready to fall in love, and maybe I'm still not. I need to find the right woman, heh... *woman* and stop trying to find love, especially with girls much younger than I. I think now I know how Cathy felt though, and maybe this is karma come to repay me. I dont think I ever really loved Cathy, but I know she loved me with all of her being, and I hope I find a girl that will feel that way about me again, and hopefully I'll feel the same way about her. I just need to take that first step, and hang out with girls my age, and intellectual level... and someone I can just generally be happy with.

I've got more to say, about this matter and about other stuff that's been going on this summer but I think I'll leave it at that for now. Besides... a storm is coming in. I'll continue later. Heh, this song really fits what I'm feeling.

[edit]

I forgot to mention something. About the last time she called me. She calls me up just to talk about how she's going out clubbing a few days from then, and then she was talking about her night clubbing the night before or something like that. Anyway, she starts telling me about the guys hitting on her and shes like "but dont worry, I didnt like any of them... blah blah blah" She always says that shit after she's told me that she was hanging out with some guys. It's like she's trying to make me jealous or something. Fucking grow up, damn. After she had said that to me I just laughed and said "I dont care" and she was just like "...oh" Were you expecting me to get jealous or something? Jealous of what? All you do when we hang out is you do your best to try to piss me off and then laugh and go "I only hang out with you to try to aggrivate you" or after I tell you to lay off the pinching you say "they're just love taps" Well, first of all, you have to love someone to give them 'love taps' and treating friends like shit will only leave you with very few friends. Pfft, fuck her feelings. After being lied to for so long, especially when that lie is "I love you" dont expect me to feel sorry for her.

[ Song ] .:Killswitch Engage - The End of Heartache:.